Romantic Relationships.
Friendships.
Business deals.
Social circles.
Churches.
Before I continue… this post is not about when you’ve done something criminal, illegal, abusive, or given someone a reason to set a boundary. I hate that I need to say that, but there are enough abusers out there that will use my words to shove “proof” in front of those they are trying to manipulate and control.
This is for the person who feels rejected and is confused, sad, or upset.
The 3 Big Rejection Questions
After we are rejected, we can’t help but ask ourselves some questions. Usually the first question is Why?
Most of the time, people who reject us don’t tell us the truth about why they are ending the relationship. Our spirits know this, and it can cause unrest. That nervous system response is actually a gift. Those experiences are stored in the amygdala part of our brain and help us by triggering a fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response. Each one is an automatic nervous system response based on previous experiences and is meant to keep you safe. If we can be curious about our own triggers and emotions, we can heal from our past rejections. When you are able to stay regulated in the midst of rejection, you know you’ve grown.
For example:
A fawn response would lead someone to give the person the benefit of the doubt, hoping they let us down gently because they don’t want to hurt our feelings. Complimenting them and even thanking them for being honest. Don’t discount your intuition.
A freeze response is saying or doing nothing in response to the rejection. A regulated nervous system asks for a moment and comes back to the conversation when they are sure they can respond.
A fight response retaliates and sounds like fighting back, raised voices, defensiveness, or aggressive actions or harmful words. A regulated nervous system remains curious and seeks to understand before defending itself.
A flight response is literally leaving the room or shutting down. Avoiding conflict is a way to stay safe, but it doesn’t resolve the issue. A regulated nervous system stays when it’s uncomfortable and also seeks to understand.
In any response, be careful not to write stories that aren’t real. Either by catastrophizing or by romanticizing the situation.
I think at the heart of it all, we want to know how to personally grow or repair the relationship. That is a healthy desire—to understand and repair what’s been broken. And the inability to do so is troubling. And not everyone has the tools. Some people choose not to be a part of the hard work of rupture and repair in relationships. So we have to learn to be okay and regulate our nervous system on our own.
Then come the thoughts we rehearse over and over, replaying that moment of rejection … wishing we’d asked more questions or said less in response. Sometimes we wonder for weeks, What did I do wrong? That kind of self-reflection isn’t bad in itself. But often it takes their rejection and creates a sort of shame cycle that says something is intrinsically wrong with you and you reject yourself. And if you were more ____ they wouldn’t reject you. Please, don’t let those voices fill in the blanks. If you can’t get “closure” and talk to them, then it’s normal to try to make sense of it. But filling in the blanks with shame will only lead to more rejection in the future. Why? Because shame makes you act unlike yourself. It keeps you playing small and from being confident in who you are. That will attract more people who are insecure and will reject you. (I wish I had more time to unpack this concept—maybe another post.)
What if nothing is wrong with you? What if it’s because they are dysregulated, emotionally immature, or don’t have the tools to work on the relationship? Even if you did do something wrong, it doesn’t mean their ghosting, criticism, or abuse is justified. You don’t deserve to be treated badly.
If you did do something wrong, apologize. Quickly. Specifically. Humbly. Ask them for their forgiveness. Find out what you need to do to repair the relationship by asking what they need. Find out how they feel by your words or actions. Be specific about what you are apologizing for. Not I’m sorry I hurt you, but I’m sorry I hurt you when I did or said ____. I’ve said this before … be curious and seek to understand.
Often people think, What can I do to fix this? This can come after you’re aware of what you did wrong and the other person refuses to forgive you or work it out. Or when you’re not sure what you did but just want the conflict and tension to go away.
In both scenarios, you need to remember you are both in a process. If they refuse to forgive you or work it out, that’s where they are at. If you want to avoid and want it to go away, or fix it, that is where you are at in your process. Both are areas for growth. And working through it can bring a stronger connection. I’ve heard it said that the rupture isn’t the determining factor in lasting relationships, but the repair—Knowing that trouble will come, but “we will always work it out.”
You can’t make someone go down a different path, so you’re more comfortable, or vice versa. Sometimes the only (and best) thing you can say in response to rejection is, “Okay.” Accepting what they say is not accepting their bad behavior. It’s accepting they are in a part of their process that makes you uncomfortable. Knowing their rejection doesn’t always say something about you. And the work that needs to be done is to find out what God is doing in you—not in them. Relationships reveal areas for growth.
So can you fix it? Sometimes. Taking responsibility for your words and actions is all you can do. Their response isn’t in your control. Sometimes you can’t fix it because it’s not about what you did or didn’t do. It’s about where they are in their process. Sometimes they don’t want to fix it (or maybe at that moment).
Sometimes people aren’t meant to be in your life forever. Some friends are there for a season and a reason. Sometimes people change (or you do), and it says nothing about your value.
The questions “why,” “what did I do wrong,” and “what can I do to fix this” are honest and real. Normal. Human.
Sidenote: When it comes to church splits or in a job, this advice is harder to apply because if there is a power dynamic at play, that doesn’t always allow you to repair. So take what helps you and know my thoughts don’t apply to every scenario. But the Biblical piece to come will address how to seek God when you’ve been rejected.
Responses to Rejection
In our defensiveness, we:
Reject the person who rejected us.
Reject ourselves.
Reject God.
And in the future … Reject those we think are like the person who rejected us.
When you are rejected, it’s logical to be self-protective and reject that person. Somehow we think that will lessen the pain. Pain doesn’t go away—it just waits in another place until you deal with it. Which often leads to rejecting yourself and looks like shame, self-abandonment, self-rejection, and self-blame. To find out if you are doing this, pay attention to the things you think and say to yourself. Would you be friends with someone like that? Third, we reject God because He didn’t help, stop it, fix it, or warn us. We walk away from faith, community, or anything that reminds us that He wasn’t there for us. (Which of course isn’t true, but it’s how we feel.)
Let’s see how the cycle works and how to disrupt it so we don’t reject others, ourselves, or God.
Our thoughts determine our feelings. Combine thoughts and feelings, and we form beliefs. Our beliefs dictate our actions.
All of our choices, defense mechanisms, and preferences come from a set of beliefs that people are unaware of and often can’t change. In fact, when you ask someone about their beliefs, they will tell the story of why they believe something sooner than they will share the thoughts and emotions that created those beliefs.
It all starts with what we think about and meditate on. Here is how it works in the context of rejection.
When we rehearse or ruminate on what the other person did to reject us, we begin the process of solidifying a belief into an offense. Offense leads to resentment, resentment to anger, and anger to hatred. Obsessive thinking builds a case and causes strong, damaging emotions. This combination often becomes justification to punish others for their actions. Many of the tragic stories we hear about involving abuse, violence, murder—stem from rejection and are fueled by obsessive thinking. We also see passive aggressiveness, gaslighting, blame-shifting, or stonewalling.
When rejection is from a family member, close friend, or someone we are in a serious relationship with, it’s hard to move on right away. The level of pain is often tied to the level of commitment. If we have been deeply invested, it is hard to move forward without answers or repair. In fact, it’s such an intense experience that the brain feels emotional pain the same as physical pain. (Psychology Today)
You will be rejected again—but it doesn’t have to hurt like before.
Your emotions are a result of your thoughts and/or what is stored in your brain from previous experiences. We want to validate those painful stories and be aware of the thoughts as if they are good information. It’s gathering data. Then we want to rewrite these stories so we can have a regulated nervous system and secure attachment—to yourself, God, and others.
This is the work. And we only get the opportunity to do the work when we have a rupture. We can heal a lot on our own with therapy, coaching, and study. But the real work comes in relationship with others. We can’t avoid it. God made us that way.
Ask yourself honestly: can you look at what happened as an opportunity for spiritual and personal growth?
When you can learn how to overcome the fear of rejection, you won’t experience the flight, fight, freeze, fawn response the next time it happens. Fear of rejection is like a record playing in the background that says, “Be perfect so you’re not rejected.” That leads to constant hypervigilance and removes any ability to be a flawed human. Most relationships that fail don’t do so because they have conflict but because they don’t have the tools to repair.
Inviting God Into Your Rejection Story
Romans 12:2 says, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
Phil 4:6-7 says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Isaiah 55:9 tells us, “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
God made sure to tell us how important it is to guard and renew our minds. That allows us to have the grace to submit to God through prayer, and we will have a renewal of peace.
I just paused writing and laughed at myself—I often tell God my strong opinion. He’s okay with that. The key is finding out what He thinks and how we can agree with Him. So, I’m not saying it’s easy or black-and-white. :)
What do prayer and renewing our minds in the midst of rejection look like? I often find God speaking through my tears and pain by saying, “I’m protecting you.” It’s then He can help us exchange our thoughts for His thoughts. He can bring calm to our nervous system. He can tell us what truth and silence what shame or rejection is saying. He can tell us how to not believe all our thoughts, heal emotions, and align our beliefs with His. That’s when rejection simply feels like confirmation of misalignment.
Knowing that what someone meant as rejection, God meant as protection, is freeing.
Jesus experienced the worst kind of rejection by His friend Judas and the leaders of His day. Rejection even to death. (But Jill, that doesn’t sound like protection.) Jesus offered up His life to protect us. In fact, it may be God who is protecting you and making sure you get His very best.
Remember, your real enemy isn’t the person who rejected you but the enemy himself. Don’t let him lie and say that person is the problem. He wants you to place blame, be angry, and speak curses over the other person—who God equally loves. Also, don’t blame yourself or God because that would make the enemy happy too.
Overcome the enemy of your soul with the Spirit of Truth. Don’t let your emotions tell you what is true. Ask God what He thinks of the situation, then wait for an answer. As you read His Word, ask the Holy Spirit to reveal what God wants you to see. Once you know His thoughts, you can commit to think like God. Rehearse His Word in your mind. Speak the truth over yourself and the situation. Words have power—but only you can say them.
Proverbs 18:21 says, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.”
If someone told you something negative and what they didn’t like about you, then speak over yourself the opposite from God’s Word. It may sound like this: “I am wonderfully and fearfully made. I am going from glory to glory, and God says I’m the apple of His eye.”
(Of course, be teachable if it’s something you can learn from.)
I find the impact of someone’s words loses power when I bless them. Jesus said in Matthew 5:44, “But I say love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” Bless that person in prayer and watch the enemy lose his hold. Your pain will leave, and the enemy will be defeated by your love.
By applying God’s Word, overcoming rejection will be a shorter process than it has been in the past. You can have the life God meant for you to live. You can walk free of the enemy’s lies and embrace freedom by getting rid of the thoughts that have kept you bound. Line up your thoughts and your words with God’s Word … your emotions will follow, and you will have the joy of the Lord deep in your soul.
If you want to learn how to coach people through rejection, the next cohort of the Freedom Certification begins soon. Apply today.
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