It was Mother's Day. My mom lived in another state so I was going to have lunch and celebrate with a family in Texas that had adopted me as a daughter. I loved time with my far away family and my local family.
I had two desires ever since I was a little girl. To be a wife and a mom. I probably dreamed about it more than most women. When my friends would talk about where they wanted to go in their career I thought about how I would just do the “work thing” until it was time to start a family. I'll admit, I never desired to be a career woman or achieve anything specific outside of the role of motherhood. I don't think I made motherhood an idol because I didn't obsess about it. I just thought it would happen for me like it happened for everyone. It's the natural progression of life. And I had a great example for a mom!
Then the years started going by …
On this particular Mother's Day I got in the shower to get ready for church. I remembered it was Mother's Day. All of a sudden I started to cry. I cried the ugliest of the ugly cry. With each passing tear I got louder and wondered if the apartment above me would call 911. I was aware that the pressure behind the tears were causing my eye lids to swell and soon I'd look like I lost a boxing match. I took the advice of a friend who once told me how to blow my nose without a tissue like they do in baseball (still not sure it's true Krystl). I don't usually talk to God in the shower or when I'm going to the bathroom unless it's an emergency (gotta have respect). But on this day I begged to understand and reasoned with the list of regrets from my past. I pleaded for comfort and strength to accept the fact I may never be a mom.
I don't get jealous when others have something good I don't have. It's just not in my makeup. I celebrate every engagement, wedding, baby shower and promotion. I love seeing others happy and I feel their joy in the depth of my heart. Living vicariously through others is rejoicing with those who rejoice!
So what came next surprised me.
I didn't want to go to church and hear a message geared for mommies. I didn't want to be the one sitting when all the mommies were honored and stood up. I didn't want to be passed over again for the gift the church gives out to mommies. I didn't want to see dressed up kids and mommies. I didn't want to see the children's ministry artwork for the mommies. I didn't want to have other people try to encourage me saying “my time would come to be a mommy.”
The childless single women I know don't talk about their feelings around Mother's Day. Maybe it's against the unspoken rule to honor those that have kids and the understanding the day isn't made for them. But it's also because it's almost like admitting defeat. We don't speak of it because we don't want to prophesy the negative because the Bible says there is life and death in the power of the tongue. We don't discuss it because we still have hope.
Every Mother's Day reminds us of another year has gone by. Another year for our eggs to get old and our womb to dry up. Gone are the days where we worry about looking good naked for our future husband. That's superficial compared to the biological clock running out and wondering if we could get pregnant at all.
And married friends say, “You could be like Sarah who had a baby in her old age!” Lord help us because that's not encouraging! We understand they are well meaning when they share how much work it is to be a mom, how tired they are, how they don't have time to themselves … enjoy our season of singleness while we can. But what if we've been enjoying it for 30, 40 plus years already? And if they are tired how much more would we be at 100 years old!
We begin wonder who will take care of us in our old age. Seriously.
Some folks say you could always adopt! I love the idea of adoption but I wanted a baby reveal party, a shower, an epidural and seeing who the baby resembles in pictures.
We want our nieces and nephews to grow up together as cousins in the same stage of life. To take vacations and do all the things we see on Facebook (because that is reality).
Then God ….
Not long into the minutes that all those thoughts and others crossed my mind I heard the Lord say, “You are a mother and are being celebrated in heaven.” It's like the floodgates from my eyes and nose came to an abrupt close. I think the water in the shower stood still too. God came in and reminded me of all the young men, young women and kids I have mothered over the years. I've had the ability to make an impact in ways other women haven't been able. I am good at encouraging, comforting and nurturing! I've spent more time with the Holy Spirit learning how to do this well. Getting God's perspective on my lack of biological or adoptive children allowed me to meditate on the impact I've made. It also showed me the honor that is given to us as earthly mother-less women from the heavenly hosts.
But mostly I had an encounter with my heavenly Father that didn't shame me for having a good desire. He didn't reason with me and try to distract me by telling me of the good things I did have in this season. He met me in my grief and told me who I was in spite of who I'm not yet. He may as well come down from heaven and hugged me and said, “I'm so sorry you haven't had kids yet. I grieve with you.”
I'm telling you when you see things from God's perspective you are transformed.
I still unapologetically didn't go to church. I didn't want the moment I had with God to be ruined by a well meaning person asking me why my eyes were puffy and encouraging me my time would come. Honestly, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't have thought of my situation because most parents don't think of it on Mother's Day or Father's Day. And why should they? It's a day to celebrate who they are not console me for who I'm not …
Yet.
Of course I met my Texas family for lunch … because duh, it's fun to celebrate mommies. They make sure it's a good restaurant on Mother's Day!
And God showed me it was a day to celebrate how I've mothered well too.
This post was originally shared on SingleMatters Magazine – a program of Jill Monaco Ministries.
Beautiful story, thank you for sharing this.
Jill, I have a friend in Amarillo who you should meet: Jeannette. She was also single and married in her 40’s. in her late 30’s when she had to have a hysterectomy, God told her that if she would trust Him, she would have more children than she could have borne. She is the best Momma J to so many, leading them to the Lord, caring for them, loving them, enjoying their children. Like you, she took God at His word and has a rich full life with lots of people in her home all the time. She and William are deeply blessed. Just sharing with you so you know you are not alone. Just met you at CTF recently and love your notes and blogs on facebook.
That would be fun to meet her. I will be traveling through there in June. (I think) Thanks for taking the time to leave a comment and let me know you are encouraged by my notes and blog!
I just about 2 hours before seeing this had a big ugly cry in my car about still being childless and single at almost 43. Never in all my dreams did being those things this age ever enter my mind.
This post could not have been more timely. I’m a regular follower of single matters and just ordered the new book you mentioned being a contributor of the other day.
Your article about the demise of singles ministry was excellent. There are several things you’ve written lately that have deeply ministered to me. As a single woman trying to find my way into what I feel the Lord is calling me to, thank you for your authenticity and vulnerability in sharing.
Oh I’m so pleased God used this for you. I had a strong sense that this year was the timing to release the story. I’ve thought of it before but God has a reason for timing right? I pray you are blessed with the book of prayers for the dreamers too! Thank you for supporting my writing and ministry. I love hearing from the folks that are impacted by it.
Beautifully and vulnerably written, Jill. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you Mindi for walking through these seasons with me. You’re a valued friend.
Sending you a virtual hug too.
I receive that and send one back!
I love how you said that you got God’s perspective!
There are many women who flat out skip church on Mother’s Day. Let us recall that it is a Hallmark holiday. It like “baby dedication” ceremonies is not in the Bible. That doesnt make it bad or evil but it does mean no one needs to structure a worship service around it.
But still tomorrow some pastor will present flowers to both the youngest newest mom (whom we hope will be married.. to a man!) and the oldest mom. And what of those who’ve had nothing but miscarriages or infertility?
I think it’s hard for pastors to celebrate the joys with some folks when others are suffering. It’s a hard role but I wouldn’t want them to not celebrate mommies either. I’ve been on staff of churches so I guess I understand it’s a hard thing to minister to everyone. I hope the post didn’t seem like I was dissing pastors or churches for the way they do things…it was just where I was at that year.
Really good point Brad – thanks for sharing your sensitivity for women in this area.
Jill, I am 60 yrs old. I mourned over my last monthly period. I have loved kids all my life. I cannot bear attending baby showers, too painful. Some childless folks say “you’ll get over it.” I fill Operation Christmas child shoeboxes every year to touch children for the kingdom. Thanks for expressing a little known heartbreak. I read in an Elisabeth Elliott book once she thought childless people suffer more silently. It was a refreshing balm to be understood. Blessings to you my sister. Julie
Julie, thanks so much for sharing your heart…I wish there was something I could say to make your heartbreak go away. But I know that God has a way of making up for what has been lost or stolen.
I just found your website tonight looking for godly ways to heal misunderstandings.
I hope you found something of a blessing here. Have you checked out the post about reconciliation? https://www.jillmonaco.com/10-things-you-need-to-do-to-reconcile-well/
I hope you found some help through my experiences. I would encourage you to look at my series on Unemployment because it may bless you.