Originally published in 2018. Updates in italics 2026

Some of you know that I went through a #MeToo #ChurchToo experience. I wrote about it in a blog post back in April, when the information about Bill Hybels at Willow Creek started coming out. I addressed questions like, ‘Why did it take so long for victims to come forward? How do we know the women aren’t making this up?

SHORT RECAP

I was the worship leader, and he was the married senior pastor. He made inappropriate advances. I was only walking with God for a year and saw him as a spiritual leader. I told the elder board, and they began the investigation. The congregation didn’t know about it for months as we all tried to figure out the best way to “help him.” Yes, you heard that right. Even I was drawn in to HELP HIM. I ignored my process because no one gave me permission to NOT help or pray for him.

Sadly, this story isn’t the only time I went through this kind of thing. As God leads, I will share more in various posts in the coming weeks.

Another story?

Why am I talking about it again? Well, sadly, another leader has been exposed, and I want to reach out and give so much encouragement and advice to the hurting and confused.

1. The women who were abused

2. The leaders who are weary of trying to help their brother in Christ

3. The bystanders who believed in this man and didn’t understand what had happened

In this post, I want to address the 3rd group. The Bystanders.

THE CHALLENGES

I want you to know some of what goes on internally so you understand the initial and lasting challenges. I think it will help you process your own pain of the news and be patient with everyone involved. The challenges affected the leaders who were helping us through it, and me.

My #MeToo #ChurchToo situation impacted how I saw God, men in leadership, and myself. I wish I had someone who walked it out ahead of me. Someone to tell me it’s okay to feel however I feel. And encourage me at the same time that I can’t stay in a negative place, or I’ll lose my authentic self.

Here are some of the initial challenges that surprised me. And what I only learned years later about what was going on.

• I didn’t know what to say when interviewing for a new job. Why did I leave? Would the hiring person hold it against me? What do I say? When I did share it, I didn’t get that job. It was like I was a risk. The “boys club” was very evident.

• I was afraid to look spiritual men in leadership in the eyes. If they seemed too nice to me, I feared they were going to “like me” the wrong way. I didn’t want to encourage them. But that wasn’t my responsibility. It was a spirit of shame trying to isolate me.

• I questioned myself and wondered if I’d been too uptight about the whole thing. He surely made me feel that way by the way he defended himself to the elder board. They questioned themselves and the seriousness of the incident at first, too.

• I was afraid to be pretty or attractive. I started putting on weight and avoided dating. I tried to protect myself in unhealthy ways.

• I felt rejected by the leaders I trusted in some ways. The elders were gun-shy about supporting me because they didn’t want to make me uncomfortable. No man wanted to be seen encouraging me, for fear of being accused of something inappropriate. Forget Christian side hugs … I wasn’t given a tap on the arm. And I didn’t want hugs anyway. But it was like the elephant in the room that none of us knew how to address.

• I felt bad for being angry sometimes. I wondered why he could still have a job, and I had to fend for myself. I suppressed righteous anger and delayed my healing process.

• I wondered why God didn’t give me a husband, so this never would’ve happened. (I know it happens to married women, but that was the way my brain was processing it all.)

There are so many other things I was struggling with. I could (maybe should) write a book.

The women you know may not be able to identify the things going on in their hearts and minds. Or they may not be able to communicate it to you. They most likely will have different challenges than I did.

The key to helping them is to do two things that seem to oppose each other:

Ask

• One, ask them if they want to share with you. Let her know you are there for them and then be there, for however long it takes, when they ask.

• Be sure to check back in because, as time goes by, people forget they are still healing. It’s a strange thing, but we feel some sort of shame at times. And we don’t want to be a burden to anyone.

• Give them permission to be and feel without giving them advice. Just be present.

• Don’t over-sympathize and keep them trapped in a negative place.

• Give them permission to share what is comfortable with them, but don’t ask questions about the event unless they’ve given you that place in their lives. They most likely are trying to honor God by not sharing details. Or there are legal things they are bound by.

Don’t Ask

• Second, don’t ask about it all the time. It can bring up the pain when they are happily moving on or enjoying a moment of not thinking about it.

• Help them see other things in life. Or just do normal things—help them get back to their normal lives. And if they zone out, they are so sorry. They don’t know they are doing it sometimes. It feels like the world is revolving around you, and you can’t participate.

• Remind them of who they are and God’s plan for them. Don’t tie it to the trauma. Just remind and encourage them to go after their dreams.

• Our world has been tossed upside down. And the trauma of it all comes in waves. Sometimes, when we don’t expect it. Please forgive them when they don’t treat you right.

• Show a little extra grace when they snap at you or act unlike themselves. They most likely will feel terrible. I’m not saying to leave it unaddressed. But be more sensitive during this time.

YOUR OWN PROCESS

I know you are also hurting, and sometimes coming alongside the woman feels like you are helping. But please, please, please … when you speak of the person who abused your friend or family member—remember they don’t need more ammunition to be angry. They are now in the healing process. They are further along than you, so don’t pull them back to your stage in the process. That means they need to start (even if slowly) to forgive.

I have two opposites to share with you again.

Don’t defend the offender.

This may seem absurd to some of you. But others may feel inclined. But please don’t defend the person who offended the victim. There will come a time to say they need prayer and compassion. Yes, they do need it. And Jesus died for all sinners. But jumping to that right away may unintentionally invalidate the victim’s pain.

But if you don’t know the details, then don’t say anything that the abused person will read or hear. You may be embarrassed later when you find out the offender duped you. Just because you’ve never seen something like the allegations doesn’t make them any less true. Just because you trust them doesn’t make them trustworthy. And by defending them, you can hurt the victim more. I had someone raise their voice and demand, “What did you do!?” As if I encouraged him to stumble. I couldn’t tell them the details, so it looked like I was guilty of something when I was just trying to be careful to honor my fallen brother, the process set out by leaders, and navigate any potential legal action.

Most of the time, the victim was close to the offender and admired them. The victim is in the process of trying to see how they missed it, releasing their expectations, forgiving, etc. It’s so hurtful when you say you can’t imagine they would do something like that. Because the victim sometimes can’t believe it either. When you do this, you end up calling the victim a liar. It’s hard enough to be bold and come forward. When her heart is trying to heal from the pain, and it keeps getting attacked, it can’t heal. It’s like you are doing to the victim what the offender did. By the time the news comes out, the victim has already gone through so much.

Sometimes you want to believe the best about the offender. My friend, Gabriel Lopez posted this recently:

Don’t make the mistake of raising someone on a pedestal by lowering your discernment. Many incredible men and women over the years have had phenomenal gifts and fallen into sin. The gifts and calls of God are irrevocable. Gifts don’t depict intimacy.

Don’t angrily defend the victim.

You’d think that defending the victim would make them feel supported. It does. Speaking out when she can’t is a powerful way to bring light to a situation. Do so with wisdom and facts that are already public. It does feel supportive when you say something like, “That makes me so angry.” In a calm tone that doesn’t disrupt their nervous system.

A lot of attention on the situation can also cause more division and instability. And that is the other thing victims are afraid of. So support the victim, but don’t defend in a way that viciously attacks the other person. By overdefending the victim, you are taking away their power. Instead, give them more power by reminding them that you are proud of them and stand alongside them.

Now, I realize some women are ok with you defending them with fervor. But after going through this a few times, I can say it’s already scary for us to see abuse of power. So if you release anger and aren’t in control of your words and authority, it can feel unsafe to be your friend, too. She may think she wants it at first, but when you let go, it can feel unstable.

Also, when you get upset, it makes her feel like she has to calm you down or help you through your emotions. You don’t need to express them to her in order to process this event. If you feel a lot of anger, it would be best to find your own independent counsel.

BEWARE OF CONTINUED MANIPULATION

I could write a whole post about how to navigate what comes next. The devastation that was left behind was not just because of what the pastor said to me, but also because of the lies and manipulation that followed.

I felt hopeful. Then, crazy. Then disappointed. Over and over again.

In situations like this, where an authority abuses its power, a vulnerable person is made to question themselves. You are probably questioning things too. Gaslighting is a way offenders try to dismiss their actions, and people often will describe it as “I feel crazy. I must have made too much of this. They are twisting things I said, or they said.”

Be aware that more is to come. The truth has come out, but the enemy has more destruction in mind. He wants to get you involved to cause more confusion.

When someone is in survival mode, they will do anything to survive. Including lying and manipulating. And the longer they’ve lived this way and gotten away with it, the easier it’s become to be an expert at it. Even the most discerning are unaware. But those of you who don’t walk day in and day out with that person, you really don’t see the patterns.

Manipulation can be like gaslighting, and you feel crazy for having thought the worst. Manipulation makes you say you’re sorry for thinking that. Manipulation makes you hopeful, only to disappoint you again. They take you to their inner world and create a false narrative. But you think it’s reality. You think you’re making progress, but … the manipulator was making all the progress by convincing you their lies are the truth.

This is the place your friend just escaped. This is what the leaders are processing. They are all tired. Please don’t make them explain the whole process to you. And don’t be offended if they didn’t share earlier. Gabriel also wisely suggests,

Just because you’re seeing the ‘last step’ of a biblical process, doesn’t mean the previous steps weren’t taken before.

This is not to say you shouldn’t demand accountability from the offender and the leaders involved in the process. If the process only includes an internal investigation or a restoration plan for the offender, the organization may be in survival mode—trying to protect the institution and narrative over the victim. This is very serious, and bystanders can be very effective. But also be ready, this is where it gets messy. The work has just begun.

In the end, trust that God also has a plan. And it’s a good one!

NEXT STEPS?

Update 2026: I no longer believe the advice I gave in 2018 below. But I’m including it here anyway so you can see the progression of my own thoughts and education. I’ve seen way too many leaders protect the offender. I was fortunate to have an elder board that tried to do the right thing. But they conducted an internal investigation, which caused a lot of problems. It wasn’t until I learned more about abuse that I realized they didn’t take care of me very well. I will add my current thoughts in italics below.

Trust Leadership: You most likely will want to investigate and find out the truth for yourself. I implore you to trust those close to the offender and the leadership involved in the discovery and discipline process. No one wants to destroy someone’s career or ministry over nothing.

(Although true, leaders often want to protect the institution over the victim. So please, put pressure on them to tell the truth.)

If you’ve heard about it … it’s been in process for a while. If you don’t trust that the leaders handling it are doing it right, please speak with them privately.

(This was based on my understanding of Matt 18 at the time. However, that talks about sin against a brother, not about accountability for leaders’ sin against the sheep. Yes, talk to them. And if they don’t listen to you, try someone else. Don’t give up on bringing truth to light. Especially if there is a crime—that should be brought to the authorities and not to church leadership.)

They may not be able to share more for the same reason I couldn’t share more with those who asked. (I was told I couldn’t share or I’d be divisive. That is manipulation and more abuse. But I know now that my story was always ok to share. I was abused, and I wasn’t more godly for keeping it quiet.) It’s a difficult thing to judge. If the leaders aren’t doing it right or doing enough to protect and help your friend, you want to jump in. I get it. But tread carefully. They are also suffering through this. Be sensitive to them as well.

(I do believe there are some good leaders who are suffering through this. Plus, we should be kind to those who are trying. It’s hard to know what is going on behind the scenes.)

Wait to See Fruit: You will need to wait and see how things play out. If the offender is experiencing godly sorrow, you will see the fruit that keeps with repentance. If it’s not there, nothing will change. Meaning the offender will defend themselves. They may throw in an “I’m so sorry, and I take responsibility.” But only their actions will tell the truth. And only time will tell.

Be Cautious: The offender may reach out to you for sympathy or to hear their side. Don’t. Just don’t. If God didn’t involve you in the beginning or middle … don’t take the bait at the end. The enemy would love to bring more people into the tangled mess. Maybe you had a similar situation before and are being triggered. Let God reveal and heal you, too.

Pray for Everyone: You were caught off guard by the news. Or you had a “feeling” all along. Now is the time to pray for everyone, not to gossip or enjoy spreading bad news. Pray for the offender and their family. They need God’s love. God isn’t done with them yet! God still has a plan for broken people. Pray for God to bring the body of Christ into a deeper relationship with Him. He will use this for good. Pray for yourself to be kept from temptation. Pray for the abused. They need it to, obviously.

(I now have a different view of gossip. When writing this, I was influenced by people who were scared. Gossip is joyfully sharing juicy news. Telling the truth and warning other sheep isn’t gossip. Also, the word slander has been tossed around throughout the years. Just to clarify, slander is saying something that is knowingly untrue. Telling the truth isn’t slander.)

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS (we are victorious)

You can help by reminding me of who I am. Who we are.

I do not call myself a victim because I choose not to be. I don’t love the word survivor because that would mean I was near some sort of destruction. I believe our words have power and I choose to say …

I’m a powerful woman of God who had a terrible thing happen to her. But I get to choose how it impacts my life. And God will bring beauty from ashes.

I choose a great life. I choose to be inspiring. I choose to be a safe place for others. I choose to continue to be brave. I choose to be a catalyst for healing. I choose to be a voice for those who don’t know what to say. I choose to be an extension of love from a good God.

I had to choose every day. For years. By myself. I still do.

We are strong. And we cry.

We are moving on. And sometimes get stuck in the memories.

We are hopeful about the future. And sometimes can’t see it.

We are restored. And sometimes, we hurt more deeply than we should when things happen.

Bystanders, I love you! You are part of the body, and by the time you hear of the offense, you are now called to be a part of the healing process.

If you want to pray for someone who is or has gone through this type of abuse, church hurt, or religious trauma, you can download my free prayer guide, Standing With Them. You’ll be given verses, prayers, and prayer points.

You can also get other helpful resources at JillMonaco.com.

• Spiritual Healing: Restoring Faith After Religious Trauma (31-Day Devotional)

• Healing from Spiritual Abuse e-booklet in a PDF download

• The Path Forward, PDF download for steps to take if you or someone you care about is documenting abuse.

• Send a Care Kit to support someone who has gone through abuse.

• Find other free resources