There are more single people than married people in the United States.
A few weeks ago I went to the Navigate Leaders Conference. I was asked to share the trends among singles I’m seeing at Single Matters.
I ended up learning about another trend affecting singles pastors that made me sad for the health of the church.
The small group of pastors and lay leaders for singles ministries were passionate about helping this majority of Americans. But they were also discouraged because the organizations they serve are eliminating their positions and budgets.
How can it be that we have more singles than ever before and yet less ministries or programs for them?
The more singles we have, the more pastors are needed to oversee them … right?
There are so many types of singles: the over-30-and-maybe-not-looking-to-be-married-yet group, the over-40-and-never-married group, the divorced group, the divorced-again group, the I-left-my-spouse-because-of-abuse group, the single parents group, the widow group and the happy-to-be-single-but-sometimes-lonely group … just to name a few.
What a mess.
How do you have programs to minister to those vastly different needs? It’s hard to figure out and implement effective programs with a team, much less one pastor (or just a volunteer) like so many churches have.
I recently spoke to a pastor’s wife who said their small church realized that singles don’t want to be defined by their status, so they stopped having a singles ministry. She said singles are happy to serve in other areas.
My pulse went up drastically and dramatically. I was trying to figure out how to share my “passion” for the decline for singles ministries without blasting her with my most recent experience at the Navigate Leaders Conference.
Just because their entire identity isn’t found in their singleness doesn’t mean they don’t want help with the challenges in that part of their lives.
Where people serve is one thing. How you serve them is another. One does not replace the other. Both are needed. To serve and be served. To love and be loved.
My response for this pastor’s wife was a question: “Are you going to stop having marriage ministry too?”
I think I confused her.
Just because someone doesn’t want to be defined as a mom, dad, husband or wife 100 percent of the time doesn’t mean that isn’t an accurate part of their identity. They need ministry in those areas because they need help with relationships.
So do singles.
If singles were being served …
Then maybe volunteer needs in the church would decrease.
Think of what could happen if this 50.2 percent or 124.6 million people were engaged! (I’m not talking about the ring.)
The best way to make disciples is to demonstrate what it looks like to be a disciple. A key quality is love. How do we show love? We serve.
So what if the church loved singles … served them first?
If singles were healed from past wounds, they would look for ways to help others overcome too. Because we give away what we have. But often they stay stuck in patterns of hurt or shame and don’t have anything to give others. Of course, that’s true for anyone, including married people. But married people have ministry to help them work through relationship challenges.
Singles are like married people. Because married or not, we all have relationships and relationship challenges. Neither can just constantly give without having a bit of ministry to help fill them up again.
What if singles started coming to church because there was something for them to receive instead of just give?
Any nonprofit knows that if you want someone to give, you first have to have a relationship with them. You need relationship to share the vision. You need them to embrace the vision to inspire giving. But you can’t just inspire giving with someone you don’t have permission to be in relationship with.
Speaking of giving …
What if the church saw statistics that singles are the best financial givers? Would that be enough to convince leadership of a church to go after that demographic with programs designed for them?
Oh, that’s a scary thought. I can barely believe I just wrote that.
I mean, singles don’t have anyone other than themselves to convince to put the tithe in the personal budget or even give more than 10 percent!
Singles can stay under the radar because no one is checking in on them. When no one checks in on you, it’s easy to think you aren’t valuable or your contribution isn’t needed.
Do churches value marriage ministry, children’s ministry, men’s ministry or women’s ministry more? Each of those minister to a specific group of people. Where the budget goes, the (perceived) value is also.
Ouch. But true.
Singles know if their church values them or not. They may not speak up about it, but they notice and are talking among themselves, trying to find a solution.
What if the church is letting the world tell them their value? I think they will believe a lie and sell themselves short. Then the church will be doing triage instead of preventative medicine—implementing a “marriage ministry” that is trying to save a marriage that didn’t have a good foundation in “singles ministry.”
Seems like the wise business plan would be preparing for a long-term investment and not trying to recoup the losses because the portfolio wasn’t managed well early on.
The church is missing …
Over 50 percent of the “congregation.”
I’m not just talking about butts in the seats. I’m talking about those they are called to reach with the good news of Jesus Christ—the community!
There is an opportunity in this generation to reach those who are forgotten by the majority of churches.
This is an epidemic. And it’s only getting worse.
What can we do?
I’ll admit singles are a handful. Lots of different issues going on. But Jesus thinks they are worth it.
Maybe the enemy is influencing the elimination of resources in this area because he knows once unified and mobilized, they will change the world!
Paul did.
Singles just want a place that sees their value and builds relationship with them. Once trust is built, they will be loyal and serve or give.
Just prayerfully consider …
What is your church saying to singles about their value as a child of God?
Why do you think singles ministries are dying out?
And maybe the best question is this: What are you going to do about it?
Photo courtesy of Mattysflicks via Flicker.
Good article but I have seen something else happening. You offer programs, activities, and groups for singles but no one participates. Why have a singles ministry if no one shows up to minister to?
I’ve wondered if something like a “Task Group” couldn’t be created and organized in a large single’s group. You have elderly, shut-ins, and people in the midst of a family emergency (someone dying, hurt in an accident, etc) and they need things done around the house.
What if – You had singles in teams of 3 like EE and you sent them out to mow somebody’s lawn, paint a porch, install a new washing machine? Prepare a meal for a family on “death watch” for a loved one?
One single’s group I was in did a great thing one Valentine’s Day, they got a bunch of balloons, games and a small dog and went to a senior citizens place and made an evening out of it. It was a huge success, but for some reason they never did it again.
These things help take the focus off the single and they end up investing themselves in somebody else, and they get to do this as a group.
Just being very honest here. I personally don’t enjoy going to singles ministry groups and stopped attending several years ago. In my experience of over 40 years of being single Christian, I find singles ministries:
1. Feel like there is a stigma attached to attending them
2. Are often led by well intentioned married people/couples. This can contribute to making it feel like you are coming to an aa group with a problem/disease that you are trying to solve/cure instead of just going to church and being a regular, viable part of community.
3. End up in forcing you to sit in a room full of people that you normally wouldn’t necessarily be around which can be fine. Meeting new people is great…it is just that often there are a large number of folks that are so desperate to be in a relationship you end up being harassed and pursued by the opposite sex (sometimes even same sex) and you feel obligated to just put up with it because it is church and you are supposed to be loving and kind….which exasperates the issue. Yet, you don’t want to exclude and reject folks either. Leaders don’t usually have any idea how to stop this or know what to do in these situations either.
4. Those trying to help (that are married, again good-hearted, compassionate folks) often feel free to say things to you that I guess other singles feel and they assume you feel the same way. Sometimes you leave feeling bad about being single when you felt great before church.
Many more reasons could be listed here. Personally, I prefer being part of a community of believers and making friends from all walks of life. Married, single, elderly, different careers etc. It is great to have married friends and friends of all ages and to be a valid part of the body of Christ.
This is just how I prefer to live life though. Others may prefer to meet with a group based solely on your marital status and maybe your age and that is totally fine. I just personally find it awkward/uncomfortable/restrictive, and a little unnatural.
Maybe if a church really wanted to change things up and focus on this people group, they could found a way to take all that weirdness out of it? After all, as pointed out in the article above, single life is just as normal in our culture as married life these days. In my experience, having a heart after God and abiding in Him and then pursuing life from that perspective seems to lead to a pretty fabulous, adventuresome life no matter who you are. When you have that as your focus and lifestyle, He adds what we need (and who we need). He is so faithful, and loving, and amazing…..He is really anyone’s only constant, right? Maybe having groups (for everyone) about seeking Him? Healing/removing blockages? Worship/pray times (for everyone)? Other fun things can be birthed out of the relationships/friendships that are born from those environments. 🙂 Just a thought. 🙂
I totally agree with all of your thoughts! I know that sounds like I just contradicted by own article. But, I haven’t gone to singles ministries for some of the reasons you listed. I am proactive in finding ways to interact with people (single or married). But, so many people aren’t like us and need something structured. I do find that singles need more opportunities to find each other though. Because married people can’t really do life with singles on a consistent basis. And …. for those that want to get married, we need a place to meet them! Thanks for sharing your points!
Sure. The only thing I would like to add is that some of still want(ed) to get married but our future spouse seems to have not been located in a singles group. The Lord has the right one picked out and the His perfect timing which is often not the same as the yearning of hearts in a microwave society.
In my case it’s like a child wanting tomorrow to be Christmas, but Christmas comes on the designated date. 🙂 It seems that when He FINALLY had my heart in that area surrendered to Him and His timing and just did me…and me and Him and us together loving the adventure of life…… That is when He is bringing about my hearts desire in that arena.
Just be 100% you and 110% pursuing Him and what He called you to do and be…then He adds to your life in His timing…and it’s better than you hoped or dreamed and He gets glory because there will be a testimony that points back to Him. (If He has called you to be involved in singles ministry be fully you, and fully you in love with Him there).
Understand this too, there is an intimacy we have with the Lord that no human can ever fill….even married folks. 🙂 Just felt like I should mention this, bless you!!
I read your article twice before responding. Personally, I am glad my church does not have a separate singles ministry. Let me explain, since we launched last fall ( previously we were a satellite campus for a larger church before they sent us off as a church plant) . From the start has there has been not only the idea of being one family and that is how I feel. In our Core Groups it is a mix of single and marrieds. I am cared for, far more than if singles were to segregated into their own ministry. I understand the valid reasons for why there are ministries geared towards singles but that isn’t the case with my church. I understand that my experience differs from others in this. The staff at my church works hard to define family as all of us, together, messed up and in need of Jesus. Because of this I feel loved and cared for immensely. Perhaps one of the answers is not have separate ministries as the dynamics continue to change, but to integrate a bit more. It’s important to be open to change, perhaps my church may end up with a form of a singles ministry too. One thing my pastor mentioned in a sermon on Colossians 1was that there is no marriage in heaven. That gladdened my heart.
I love hearing that your church is ministering to singles well! Happy dance! I wish more churches would help singles even if it were not just a dedicated “singles ministry.” But a ministry to singles in some way like your church. Thanks for leaving a comment here. And for being so nice about a different point of view. Love healthy commenting!
i agree with the observations and analysis written here. The biggest challenge is finding a way to offer meaningful, relevant messages and programs for such a diverse group as single adults. My ministry focus is mostly divorced adults above a certain age. We are occasionally successful in drawing in single never married people but rarely ever single not yet married. The key seems to lie in relationship status. If you’ve been married or in a long term relationship you are a relationship centric person and if properly lead and encouraged – go serve the Lord with joy and gladness – you will eventually do just that. Maybe the key to successfully engaging singles is in volunteer lead cells or small groups with a larger all singles worship and study experience. It’s most definitely a challenge but one worth doing for nothing is too difficult for the Lord.
Al, it does seem that the stage of life matters in the single community. Those that are divorced with kids often can’t relate well to those the same age but without marriage and kids. And vice versa. I have spent some time in prayer asking the Lord to show me what part He wants me to tackle. As one body we all have different areas of influence and if we all work together it seems all should be ministered to.
Jill, you’re right – life stage does matter. What I see is that younger singles are reluctant to engage with older (35+) singles and many don’t go up to older singles ministries when they age out. So the 35+ ministry is an aging population with lots of “professionally single” people, and younger people just leave. I think that integrating age groups above age 25 would have real value. I could for example offer some hard won wisdom to younger men, but I lack a venue to do. Two local churches here in Raleigh do what I suggested. Older singles serve, mentor, greet and manage the ‘back room’ activities. It’s certain there are no easy answers, especially with millions of missing men (Barna Research) and the multitudes of needs represented by the single adult population.
interesting article. Personally in my church as a single I often feel left out. They focus on “family ministries” aka with kids – left out. Small group leaders cannot be singles – must be married. There are ministries for youth, college, kids and women. But as a 30-something single I feel left out and forgotten. I find the church makes it like marriage is the ultimate relationship goal. Which is frustrating, but it seems that way at any church I’ve checked out.
If the church makes marriage the ultimate goal what would you prefer they do for you as a single-30-something?
If church makes marriage the ultimate goal, they can’t do anything for me. The question then becomes what can I do to turn their Pagan hearts around.
I feel the same as you Miche, left out. Even though I was once married, no children, it s difficult to be around married couples. Usual conversation is centered around the family. So I’m not able to participate in the conversation. The same goes for special events, mostly couples. There is a great need for singles over 40, all circumstances to bond. Singles 40 + are not looking for more bible studies, and meetings. I myself am looking for meaningful relationships with singles like myself. After a certain age, it is a very lonely journey. Has any churches thought of creating an online chatroom for singles over 40, divorced, widowed, etc.?
Hello Doretha
Your comment is at the top of what and where Singles minds today. I would like to share with you what the Lord has given me after many years of ministry to singles and it works . ????
If you would like to connect with me personally I will share nit it .
well stated, well said, well read!
Jill – There are several reasons why singles groups are disappearing.
1. Marriage and family idolatry. Did you know that many denominations, such as the SBC, do not allow a single man to pastor a church? That includes thousands of churches all over the country. But half the population is single? Does that compute? Many churches are even preaching salvation by marriage and that men have to “man up” and get married to be a real man. Of course, that’s not biblical.
2. Most mega church leaders will tell you that they view all singles as “fornicators” and living in sin. See the recent writings of Al Mohler and Russell Moore. I recently heard a preacher say that all older never married men were “sexual atheists.” I’ve heard these comments personally. I’m not speculating.
3. What is a single? Fifty years ago they were people who had not married. Back then, those were the only people who made up singles groups in churches. The word “single” had a biblical basis. They were mostly chaste singles who were honoring God with their singleness. They were honored and respected by church families. Not anymore. As you said, now we’ve got the divorced group, divorced again group, I left my spouse because of abuse group, the single parents group, the “I think I might be gay group,” the widowed group, etc. 1 Timothy 5 tells us to honor true widows, those who do not live in pleasure. Have you ever wondered why the church can’t honor true singles?
4. Ageism. Splitting up groups according to age is always a tragic mistake. The new generation will never learn from the older generation. And the older generation will never learn from the new generation. It prevents mentoring, reinforces stereotypes, and prevents church growth. In the Bible, there is no such thing as “age appropriate.” When age is brought up, it smashes stereotypes, such as Elizabeth giving birth in her old age. BTW, I’m 53, never married.
Those are great thoughts and insights. And yet so very sad too. I haven’t heard some of the things you referenced but I know it is on the heart of God to do something to reach singles of all ages. I’m so glad you commented. Please stay tuned for whatever God does next in and through http://www.SingleMatters.com.
Thank you for the article. Its so true and even those who have single ministries it feels that they are more for the single parents.
That does seem to be true – or for those in their 20’s. But I’m not giving up…this subject is on God’s heart.
I agree with you Jill. There are a lot of single people of all ages hurt, lonely, and broken, who need a strong support system.
Hmm….so many nuances here to singles life and ministry. I would throw in the encouragement to singles (which includes me) that there is life also in serving others. We obviously have needs like everyone else but including in your repertoire a ‘what are some ways I can serve’ mindset can help too.
Just thinking out loud. Blessings over your ministry!!!
I am a never married single parent and I can’t tell you how many times my son and I have been ostracized. Never married parents are at the bottom of the trash heap. Never mind that I have turned away from that lifestyle and follow Christ. If you are widowed people will step up to help you and mentor your kids. If you’re divorced, maybe. Never married? Forget it. My attempts to volunteer and help out when I can have also been shunned. This is not just one church either, this has happened across multiple churches and denominations for years.
Erica, I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve experienced that kind of discrimination. You are not the first one to tell me that kind of story. I pray that the isolation is broken off you in Jesus name and that He puts you in a “family” according to His Word in Psm 68:6 that “God puts the lonely in families.” You are a blessing and a testimony for those that have walked in your shoes. Only you can express love the way they need.
My mom became a widow when I was 11, Let me tell you up to the funeral and at the funeral all the men at the church tell you they will be there for you, but after the funeral is over nobody is there for you. I try not to be bitter about the pastor who said point blank that if I ever needed anything he would be there for me, and when I was 16-24 asking him to disciple me he never would. I am a God called missionary, and his negligence along with the negligence of the men in the church has handicapped me immensely. As a kid of a widow let me tell I was abandoned by my church when my dad died.
To find a mentor I had to drive 60 miles one way to a church with a pastor who was willing to take me under his wing. I was 28.
I’m so sorry to hear your difficult story … I pray God brings someone in your life to redeem that memory and show you how He works all things together for good.
I’m in tears reading this….so good! I’m an over 40+ single who has never been married and the only way I see to participate in church is to serve and tithe but when I went through serious depression this last holiday season, no one bothered to check on me, even just a phone call would have been a blessing. This is not the first church I have encountered this and I really feel the American church has no place for people like me. I’m not single by choice, I want to be married and have a family but I feel like a parriah in God’s family.
Hi… I’m so glad this post helped you in some way. I hear this from a lot of singles. I encourage you to just keep trying. Keep trying to connect with people and ask God to provide community. That is His heart for us – and everyone! Bless you.
I know this is an old article, but I found it tonight while just looking around the Internet to see if there was anything about how churches hurt older singles. The last church I attended got rid of the singles ministry except for college age (18-25) and one for those who were seniors. At one time, we had over 100 members in the group for people in their late 20s to early 40s, of which about half were regulars and the rest attended when work and grad school would allow. The reason why is a committee, made up of nothing but old women in their 70s and 80s decided that it was not a good use of money, because people over 30 who are single are bad for the church. We were told we had one year to get into the group for couples who were engaged or just married. After that, we would be allowed to attend the regular service, but the church would not do anything for us. I left the church before it happened for some personal reasons, and haven’t been to a church since except for a few visits to see what some churches were like. None of the churches in my town have a singles ministry (other than college age), and the ones I visited made me feel unwelcome. I need to move outside of a town which is 110% devoted to the nearly 70,000 college students that are here for 9 months a year.
I read with interest your articles. I am an older man but when i was in my 30’s and 40’s I attended a wide array of churches with Singles Ministries predominantly in South Florida. While a noteworthy class , it appears to me that it became a “dating club for divorces” in part fostered by therapists and Psychologists . also ministers privatized the ‘ d” or divorce word in an effort to increase membership and donations they erred in that regard and many have spoken about this error. they made ‘ divorce ” socially acceptable which is in direct contradiction to Holy Scriptures. I do not think thee should be singles classes that evolve into dating clubs for divorces. that is not what the Church is meant for. it is a house of God for worship and study of Scripture. I think that the Single person -especially the divorced person- is better off going to a different religion from Christianity they should seek religions more tolerant of divorce in no particular order : 1) Buddhism,2) Islam, 3) Judaism, 4) Wicca, ,5 Unitarian/Universalist and 6) hINDU STOP USING THE CHURCH AS A DATING CLUB