I talk to singles all the time.
I hear a few common things about what is hard about being single, what is missing in the singles ministries in the church and what they feel most misunderstood about.
Next time you want to tell someone who is single that it's a gift, enjoy this time being single, God's timing is perfect etc … please consider the things they respectfully aren't sharing with you.
Disadvantages of singleness:
- Paying for living expenses on one salary. Rent is expensive, and utilities are getting more expensive. Some would say, “Get a roommate.” But once you are over 40, you really don't want to live with someone else you barely know. And how do you merge your things for a temporary situation with two couches, two dining tables, etc? And if you are a single parent, you can't just live with a “roomie” when you have the kids.
- No one to help you. Sick and need medicine, repairs at the house, moving, buying groceries and eating them before they spoil, saving for retirement, someone to help talk you off the ledge when you've had a bad day … those are just a few of the situations that singles have a hard time facing alone.
- Lack of physical attention. Some singles can go a week or more without ANY physical touch. Those who haven't had children (and the number of singles over 35 without children is growing) notice this more. Loneliness can be a recurring problem they don't know how to communicate without the risk of being perceived as desperate. They also have hormones that constantly need to be suppressed. It's not easy!
What's missing in singles ministries:
- Fellowship. I've talked to singles ministries that say they aren't supposed to help singles socialize, but only to care for their spiritual growth. But I'd challenge them to consider this analogy: If you went to Africa and met a thirsty child, you wouldn't share Christ before giving them water. Many strong believers go to church on Sunday, are in a small group or serve on a weekly basis. What they really need is a place to socialize and meet people. Their friends are getting married, and that leaves fewer people to spend time with on the weekends. Building relationships takes time, and they are constantly having to make new friends. Plus they don't have a safe place to meet a spouse or just have fun!
- Leaders who are single. Most pastors overseeing a singles ministry are married or have been married since they were in their 20s. They don't understand the challenges of being single in their 20s, 30s, 40s or older. Singles love their pastors but wish more leadership included those who understand their situation. Would you want a single person to lead a marriage ministry?
- Resources. Many churches don't have a singles ministry at all. They don't have programs set up to help the newly divorced or recently widowed. Left alone, those folks struggle to stop the lies of the enemy about their value or future. What about the person who is over 40 and has never been married? They have other hurts and disappointments to overcome—especially women who are facing the facts they are no longer able to bear children.
As I pray and lead Single Matters magazine, I am constantly talking to God about what we can do to help singles.
- I feel impressed that God's heart is for those who desire to be married—to BE married. He loves marriage. When Adam was alone in the garden and fully intimate with God, God said, “It's not good for man to be alone.” Paul encourages singleness, but it doesn't trump what God said. Both are fully valid ways of life, depending on what a single feels called to. Be sure you know where the single person is coming from before offering up the platitude of “it's better to be single.” Offer to pray for them to find a spouse, and set them up if you know someone! Validating where they are in life is not only compassionate but also unifying.
- I want to create events and opportunities for singles to gather together for fellowship and fun. (Not for a Bible study, although I love studying the Word.) I'm in discussion with some other singles ministries across the nation on how to replicate what they are doing in this way. In the meantime, invite singles over for dinner or fellowship with your family. Hug them as a brother or sister in Christ, knowing you may give the only hug they get that week. Don't forget them on 4th of July or any other time you are just having the neighbors over. They'd love it—I promise.
- I've heard the phrase “single for a season or single for a reason.” I must admit I have some friends whom I can't introduce to a quality man/woman. There are a lot of broken, emotionally immature, socially awkward singles. We need more programs or courses that help singles see that they may be single for a reason. This is a harder topic to approach, but if you really love someone, help them out and have that discussion. Again, because friendships take time to develop and their single friends move on, no one may be telling them the areas they need to work on.
I shared just three things that singles find difficult, three things missing in the church, and three things we can do to help. I could bring up many more things that married people probably have no idea about. As a single woman, let me say—I'm glad you don't have to know this for your life! I celebrate your marriage!
Is there anything I've not mentioned in this list?
Singles ministries are a waste of time. The last singles ministry i tried to be a part of was led by divorced people. Total turn off. If I ran a singles ministry, my primary focus would be preparation for marriage..living a great single life and dating smart. The conversations would be raw, real and relevant. Period!
Christian singles do not need a singles ministry for fellowship especially in the way most do. There’s a reason men don’t participate in singles ministry. Most are filled with undesirable women who look like they belong on an episode of what not to wear.
I don’t think it would be a waste of time at all. And yes I’m divorced! Not by choice. Wish I had a place to go to meet like minded individuals.
I wish the Church I attended had a single ministry. Where do singles go to meet when all your friends are married and their friends are married?? Bars?? No thanks!! I’ll pass. As I become older 38 I find myself becoming more isolated because churches don’t offer anything. Would love to have somewhere to go where people may be like minded in Christ. And not having to wonder if the people are in a relationship or married… I would not wish a moral single mans life on my worst enemy. Since there is no where to meet someone in the woods I stay.
I’m going to invite a single friend over for dinner tonight … just because of this blog post. I don’t often think about it because I’m so focused on my family — dinner, homework, baths, bedtime — that I really never considered someone might like to be a part of our dysfunction just to have some company 🙂
I once caused a full on riot in a ladies prayer meeting by asking them to pray that God would provide a husband for me.in another church, I’ve been accused of being after married men because when they were greeters I chatted with them before I went into the sanctuary when I was taking a bulletin. The elders met with me and told me that I was only allowed to speak with the ladies in the church.at the local Bible College, when I told one of the administrative staff that I felt that God was calling me to be a pastor’s wife I was accused of only going to that college to find a husband.the church collectively does not treat singles very well.
Wow. I’m not sure what to say Kay. It must have been so hurtful to be misunderstood and alienated. It seems to me that they walked in fear and had their own brokenness that had nothing to do with you at all. I think God gives us desires (like wanting to be a pastors wife) just like he calls pastors to be pastors. We get impressions from God so we prepare and pray for His will to be done on earth as it is in heaven. And somehow good meaning Christians twist that desire to be a selfish one instead of a heavenly one. I pray you don’t give up and continue to pray that Gods’s will for your life will be fulfilled. You are a gem in His eyes.
Jill, I think you pretty much nailed it.
Thanks Kathy!
The church I attend does not have a “singles ministry”. I am a single dad of two and have been divorced for 9 years. There are few singles in our congregation but that has not diminished their ministry to me nor my ability to serve The Lord. Getting involved in a ministry team (praise team, visitation, missions, choir, audio/video, etc…) where you can use your gifts is crucial! If you are just filling a pew, you are missing the blessing of fulfilling a purpose. Find a way for God to use you and the gifts He has given you. Yes, singleness causes lonliness and depression. I get it (and i get that way). Dealing with it on my own caused my alcoholism. Haven’t had a drink since Jan 3 though and He is sufficient for me. I want to eventually marry again, but I have to wait on Him and look to Him in the hard times as well as the good.
Sean, thank you for sharing your story – it’s so encouraging to hear you have a solid place to be you! And congrats on being sober too! I know God will continue to use your testimony for others. May He bring you the right woman to compliment your gifting and calling in His perfect timing.
I was single till the age of 38 and the biggest struggle for me was to say no to sex outside of marriage; to be influenced by the world into taking drugs; drinking; having parties; and listening to worldly music etc. I was broken and also found it hard to find an honourable guy, most probably was looking for it in the wrong places in any case, and I had too many boyfriends and couldn’t make up my mind which one I wanted, I didn’t actually want any of them, but a mixture of them… It was only when I started calming down and started building a relationship with God, and after reading the book ‘Boy Meets Girl’ and learned about ‘laugh your way to a better marriage’, and many other books; that I was finally able to meet my husband at church and could relate to him and better understand the way a man thought, since I grew up in a house with a mother and a sister and not really knowing anything about boys or men.
That’s a powerful testimony … thank you for sharing it with me!
Jill,
Thank you, you pretty much nailed it!
Singles don’t really have much options today, if you are “older” everyone is married and those who are married don’t really understand at all what a person who has never been married goes through.
Yes, we are lonely and alone…move to a new place and it’s hard!
I belong to some meetup groups and that helps but a lot of the folks are divorced…nice people but you know….
Maybe we need a national org?
Or at least chapters in each state.
Yes there are match orgs for dating but not a lot of fellowship orgs.
I’m working on it. 🙂
I wish more marrieds would be honest.
You can’t fix old age. You can’t fix bad facial features, bad complexions, the wrong cup size, the wrong height and other deal breakers. Or the fact you were too awkward and weird in your early twenties when single Christian men were a thing.
It’s okay. Like accepting terminal cancer. We need closure not baloney “promises” made by Hallmark rom coms but not the Bible.
Quit lying to us, married people. We know we’ll die with only Jesus.
I take comfort in my dying sex drive and the fact I no longer go through the farce of online dating which too many people use as a legal loophole for prostitution. Preparing my soul for Heaven instead.
Also I wish they’d quit assuming the worst. “You’re still single because” lists are cruel as well as unjust.
You slept around when young (lots of us remain virgins)
Too picky (when no one asked you out)
Too career obsessed (when it’s work or mooch off Dad/eat the bread of idleness)
Not “manning up” when you can’t figure out what the new dating rules are that don’t involve hook-ups.
These never include problems such as:
You have a disfiguring scar or birthmark or you’re just too ugly
Too short or too tall (for women)
Too shy or awkward in your college days when all your friends paired off
Too broke
Disabled
Always in the wrong place at the wrong time
These are all real causes for both sexes remaining single but you never read about them in lists married people make.
Really good points, thanks for sharing.